Happy I Hate Valentine’s Day Day
Keeping with a long-standing tradition between some of my close friends, I would like to be the first to wish you a very happy I Hate Valentine’s Day Day. Think of it as a giant hangover from February 14th. Your head still hurts, you’re still sick to your stomach, and you’re looking for someone to blame/potentially beat with a bag full of quarters. I realize that my invention of this day could potentially help some of you, and really that’s what it’s all about. Helping. And maybe also drinking. I think that plays a large part of it. But most of that drinking is done on Valentine’s Day itself in preparation, kind of like the way you use Lent to prepare for Easter. Regardless of how much you prepared for this day individually, it is now time for us to collectively celebrate our hatred for the day that drives sane, rational individuals into sugar-induced sex-comas – and leaves the rest of us pissed and bloated.
In order to help you get the most out of this day, I’ve drafted a form letter you can use to send to all your friends. I was considering spending my time writing a form letter that you could send to your congressman or woman to protest oppression in third world countries, but that just seemed far less pertinent at the moment. Take some time today to do something meaningful, and share the spirit of I Hate Valentine’s Day Day with your not-so-loved ones.
Dear (Insert name or derogatory nickname),
Bite me. No, not in that creepy Twilight, True Blood, (your 3rd favorite vampire show) way. You know what I’m getting at. You know why I’m writing you this hastily thrown together e-mail. (Insert story likely to both shame and embitter your reader). And that’s why I’m moving (on with my life/to a different state/all your furniture to my new apartment). We took a vote, and the world has officially decided that you’re a huge (4-letter word).
I gave the best (#) (years/months/days/hours) of my life to you. Do you know how hard it is to do the (favorite sexual position)??? I could have broken a (most vulnerable body part when performing aforementioned position). That takes dedication. That takes gumption. That takes large amounts of (favorite hard liquor). You know, after we broke up, I thought a lot about (problem that you’re going to pretend you thought long and hard about while you were instead crying in the fetal position in your shower while listening to My Heart Will Go On). But some differences just can’t be reconciled. For instance I’m (positive character trait), and you’re a (4-letter word different from the one in the previous paragraph). Just like (Mary J. Blige/Kelly Clarkson/Pat Benatar) said, (Lyrics from No More Drama/Since U Been Gone/Love is a Battlefield).
I wish you (a slow and painful death/enough mercy that you only get hit by a bus/a raging case of herpes from that new slut of a girlfriend).
Love Forever and Always,
P.S. – Look at the beautiful new (man/woman/dog) I’m now with. Jealous much?