Roseanne, mi amor. Besame mucho!
My love has written a book. I’m not sure if it’s good, or what exactly it’s about. That’s not the point. The point is that Roseanne Barr has written the next great American novel, and has thus further entrenched herself in my heart. I mean, did you see her in that Chelsea Handler interview? Any lady who would wear those sunglasses inside, during an interview is one classy female – not to mention that flash up her multi-layer ballerina skirt. Adorable.
Something else that suddenly makes sense now is her Judaism. I always felt some unguided force pulling me towards her, and this interview has confirmed it. For those of you who don’t know, I’m what one of my friends has termed a “certified bagel-chaser.” In gentile terms, I have an overwhelming attraction to Jews. This isn’t always a romantic attraction, though in the case of Ms. Barr it 100% is. I chock up this attraction to a long family line of Jewish mothers (my mom, my grandmothers, great grandmothers, etc.) and a hardy diet of lox and shmear. And while the women in my family aren’t actually Jewish, they are very Jew-adjacent – they feed me even when I’m not hungry, try to set me up on dates without my consent, and are always ready with a fresh batch of familial and/or faith-based guilt. So, Roseanne, thank the women in my life that lead me to you. I dream of the day we can make a toast to our love, while enjoying a candle-lit bubble bath, our glasses full of Manischewitz.
Matteo “Bagel-chasing” Yazge