Note the progression in mood: 1) afraid of the cold;
2) sad my heating sucks; 3) angry that my nalgas fell off
Allow me to walk you through the heating situation in my glamorous Manhattan apartment: It’s really, really cold outside. We’re talking only-feel-your-toes-for-the-hours-that-the-sun-is-up cold, wind so harsh on your face you’ve resorted to using old grandma anti-wrinkle cream to keep your skin from peeling. (Both of those little facts are daily realities of my life, just so you know.) Now let me teach you a fun little Spanish word: NALGAS (n. plural). In English: tooshy, bottom, buttocks, rump. I guess the singular would be nalga, but when are you every going to talk about one butt cheek? Certainly not right now, because we’re talking about both of mine, and how they’ve frozen off.
In the event that you walk down the street and see a pair of cheeks flapping in the wind, in need of an owner, odds are they’re mine. “Why don’t you turn on your heat?” you wonder. Well, that’s a very good question. I’m glad you asked. My heat comes and goes, as fickle as a… um… pickle? (I don’t know. It rhymed.) So when my heat is on, I’m sweating bullets one minute, only to have the heat stop working and then I have cold air blowing on my sweaty body. Glorious. So instead I’ve opted for sweaters, hats, and a huge blanket (as seen in the above pictures). If you find my cause pitiable, please contact me and I’ll let you know where you can send warm socks, logs, and a hearth.
Matteo “Nalgas-less” Yazge